


You asked Me to Stay (Four times)

by drunkoncoffee



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Castiel and Dean Winchester Have a Profound Bond, Destiel - Freeform, Hurt Dean Winchester, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Intimacy, M/M, Minor Violence, Non-Sexual Intimacy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:55:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23829451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drunkoncoffee/pseuds/drunkoncoffee
Summary: Four Non-Sexual Acts of Intimacy“I’m here to stay Dean,” Cas begins, speaking in a hushed and intimate tone, “You’re not going to lose me.”
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 12
Kudos: 95





	You asked Me to Stay (Four times)

**Author's Note:**

> There are some depictions of violence that could be triggering to some people, I'm not too sure. It's quite a heavy fic, so if you're easily affected by mild references to self-harm please either turn back or proceed with caution!

It starts when Dean wakes in the middle of the night shouting.

One minute, he’s engulfed in darkness, choking on the blood of faces from years past; the next he’s wrapped in Castiel’s arms, still shaking and taking in as much air as he can.  
He chokes out sobs, unable to speak, and Cas just holds him tighter, stroking his hair and murmuring softs words of reassurance.  
He doesn’t want to tell Cas what he saw; the bodies littered around his own, his arm shaking and blade in hand. The feeling of no remorse. The _hunger_. He can’t admit to Cas what had caused this reaction, already too ashamed of it all to repeat. And Cas doesn’t press. He just slowly rocks Dean, his strong arms wrapped around him until his breathing slows.

Dean doesn’t mean to say it. It slips from his lips as his face is buried in Cas’ shoulder, the skin wet from Dean’s tears. He doesn’t even realise he’s said it.  
“Stay.”  
His voice is so weak and broken, barely making a sound in the hushed room. And when Cas says nothing in response, he lets himself believe he had imagined his words. He forces down another sob as he slowly regrets what he had pleaded.  
Cas then slowly unwraps his arms from Dean. His hand still lingers on his shoulder, pushing Dean’s body back onto the bed. And Dean obliges, allowing himself to be tucked under his covers, still shaking and breathing heavily. He closes his eyes, willing himself to pull himself together, at least until Cas leaves. He can do this alone. He can. (But he doesn't want to).

He feels the bed dip under a new weight and cracks his eyes open slightly to see Cas sliding under his covers beside him. He crowds close to Dean, his chest coming flush against Dean’s back. Cas’ arm wraps around his waist and he pulls Dean impossibly close, holding him there as an unspoken reassurance. And Dean allows himself to relax into his arms, his eyes falling shut and his breathing evening out. With the sound of Cas’ steady breaths behind him, he lets the darkness take him again, knowing this time, he has a source of light.

***

Dean finds Cas beside a river, his clothes caked in mud and body shaking. It’s so close to a familiar scene that Dean winces, yet continues towards him.  
Cas kneels by the river and as Dean draws closer, he sees the cracks and scars on the angel’s knuckles; still fresh, still bleeding. He kneels next to him, careful not to crowd him, unsure of how he will react.

“I killed them all; my own people,” Cas starts, breaking the silence, his voice hoarse and low, “They’re all dead and I-”.

He breaks. Sobs wrack through his body uncontrollably as he tips forward. Dean catches him in his arms, holding him close and tight against his chest, unable to offer any words of comfort. He cringes at Cas’ cries of pain and anguish, raging at his inability to help in any way. So he just presses him closer.

On the drive home, Cas is silent. His eyes are bleary and tired, still ringed red from his tears. Dean leaves him to sit in his own thoughts, knowing that he can say nothing to Cas now that would take away the pain he’s feeling. They pull into the bunker’s garage and Dean kills the engine. They sit in silence.  
Just as Dean goes for the door, Cas places his hand on his. Dean looks up at him and his heart aches at the broken man before him.  
“Can I stay with you tonight?”   
Cas’ voice is tired and void of emotion, but Dean can hear the vulnerability laced in his tone.  
Keeping his gaze locked with Cas, he brings their joined hands to his mouth. He places a gentle kiss on Cas’ bruised knuckles, his thumbs brushing lightly over the sensitive skin on Cas’ hands. He then guides him out of the car, down the hallway towards his room, taking care to keep their hands interlocked along the way.

***

_“Charlie!”_

The hot water beats down on Dean’s back, leaving burns along his spine. He sees her scared face buried in his arms. Her brave face as she fights, her efforts futile against her attacker. Her body; bloody and cold.  
He allows himself to hurt, to feel his skin grow hotter, the heat unbearable. He deserves this. He needs to feel this pain. He needs -

_“Cas!”_

His hand fists in this hair, tugging on the strands so hard his scalp burns. He can’t get him out of his head; his bloodied body beneath his own, begging him to stop. The moment of relief, ripped from Dean as light bursts from his eyes, a blade through his chest. His coat in the water. Him bleeding out on the couch, what he said; what he meant -

_“Sammy!”_

Dean falls to his knees in the bath, squeezing his eyes shut as he tries to push the memories from his mind; his skinny body in Dean’s arms, as he desperately tries to bring him back to life. Falling into the pit as Dean watches on, helpless. Begging Dean to let him prove himself a good man by sacrificing himself for the trials. His brother; his _baby_ brother; so damaged and hurt and unprotected -

The water above him is shut off abruptly. Dean heaves, his lungs filled with steam, yet burning as though they’re full of smoke. It’s only when he feels a dry, solid hand on his back that his breathing begins to slow. He takes in gulps of cold air, his head finally beginning to slow and his thoughts settling back into the crevices of his mind. 

Strong hands come under his arms and raise him up until he’s standing in the bath. Another moment of support and his feet are on the floor of the bathroom, a puddle beginning to form as water drips from his rapidly cooling body.  
Cas wraps him in a towel, carefully rubbing him dry. Dean stands motionless, the cool tiles beneath him soothing his scalded feet. He allows Cas to take care of him, not caring about what it means. He feels Cas slip his arms through his bathrobe, tying the knot loosely at the front. He then takes Dean’s face in his hands, forcing him to look into Cas’ deep blue eyes. They search Dean’s for something; he’s not sure what, but eventually he leans closer to Dean, raising up on his toes to press a firm kiss to his forehead. Dean closes his eyes briefly, leaning slightly into the touch, then re-opens them as Cas lowers back down. His thumb strokes Dean’s cheek tenderly, wiping away any stray tears or droplets from his face.

“I’m here to stay Dean,” Cas begins, speaking in a hushed and intimate tone, “You’re not going to lose me.”

And Dean allows himself to believe that as Cas leads him from the bathroom. Allows himself to believe Cas as he lays Dean down gently in his own bed, watching over him until he falls asleep.

***

Cas lies on Dean’s bed, his body curled away from the door. His knees are drawn tight against his chest; a desperate attempt to hold himself together. His head is swimming with thoughts; the words of God circling back over and over again.

_“Don’t you get it Castiel? You’re worthless to this story! You’re just another character for the Winchesters to save, and fight, and wish to be dead.”_

Tears leak from his eyes, falling onto Dean’s bed, but Cas can’t bring himself to care.

For years, he tried to convince himself he was doing the right thing; that all his actions were for the greater good. That he was doing his best for heaven and humanity.  
But now, he didn’t know. He had lost faith; in heaven and himself.

He was an unimportant player in this game, merely a pawn used by others to foil their enemies. And he fell for it each and every time, truly buying into whatever lies they chose to feed him about _‘saving the world’_. He couldn’t make right all he had done wrong, and his belief in himself and his cause was rapidly fading.  
Maybe Dean was right:

_“Something went wrong. You know this. Something always goes wrong.”_

_“Yeah, why does that something always seem to be you?”_

The words sting Cas’ heart, taking up their usual residence in the forefront of his mind; a place where they can torment and plague him. A place where he can be reminded of all he has done wrong, and all the reasons he burdens Dean Winchester.

Cas hears the door creak open, but can’t bring himself to turn around. He doesn’t want to face the person waiting in the doorway. Footsteps echo towards him, as the person draws around to his side of the bed. They sit at his feet, hands folded in their lap and head hung low.  
Cas can’t bring himself to fill the silence; his energy depleted and mind numb. He doesn’t want to talk; he just wants to be left alone.  
They sit in silence for what seems like eternity, neither of them willing to speak. It stretches between them, filling itself with the unspoken words neither of them dared to say aloud.  
Eventually, Cas begins to close his eyes, too tired to be existing for any moment longer of the day. However, before he can succumb to the awaiting darkness, he feels Dean lay a hand on his leg.  
When he speaks, his voice is low and gravelly.

“I didn’t mean what I said Cas, I-” His voice cracks. Cas can feel him cursing himself and his words. When he speaks again, his tone is quiet and pleading; “Stay with me Cas, just please stay a bit longer.”

And Cas, unable to muster the energy to respond with words, reaches his hand down to cover Dean’s, giving him a light squeeze of reassurance. He may be the one hurting now, but Dean feels things so much more acutely than him; Cas knows he blames himself.  
And so he stays; Awake until Dean reluctantly removes his hand to change his clothes. Until Dean turns off the light and slides in behind him. Until he feels Dean pressed against his back, holding him tight to his chest. Until he hears him murmur; “Goodnight Cas”. Until he feels Dean Winchester sleeping next to him. Then, Cas joins him.

**Author's Note:**

> I promise fluff and I give angst - yet I'm not apologising!
> 
> Leave kudos & a comment if you enjoyed! Xx


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